On enemification, conflict, and finding a way forward together.
In organizations, we often talk as though difficult people are the problem. If only they would change, leave, retire, or get reassigned, things would improve.
I've been thinking about how quickly we can turn someone into "the problem." They become the reason things aren't moving forward, the obstacle to progress, the source of frustration. Once we've told ourselves that story often enough, it becomes difficult to imagine any solution that involves working with them rather than defeating them.
Adam Kahane has a name for this process: enemification.
In his book Collaborating with the Enemy, Kahane describes enemification as the process of turning another person into an enemy. An enemy becomes someone you would like to remove or defeat, someone you want to make pay for the trouble they've caused. They become the source of your problems, the obstacle to your solutions, and someone it feels almost disloyal to work with.
Kahane argues that once we have enemified someone, it becomes very difficult to find a way forward together.
Sometimes this isn't a problem. We may have both the authority and the motivation to remove the person from our lives or our workplace. You can fire them, end the relationship, or walk away.
More often, however, especially in large organizations and bureaucracies, that option is largely theoretical. Instead, we can find ourselves drawn into escalating power struggles, a series of attempts to gain the upper hand, exact retribution, control the outcome, or simply win.
But what if neither of you is going anywhere? What if you'll both still be here on Monday and the situation still needs to be resolved?
Kahane uses the example of a divorce involving children. Even after the relationship ends, some form of relationship must continue. The challenge becomes finding a way to move forward together without eliminating, destroying or powering over the other.
Starting with the end in mind can help. When we focus on creating a better system, a healthier relationship, or a more workable path forward, we can begin to move beyond the very human desire for retribution and toward a mindset of collaboration.
Often, it is easier to agree on what we don't want than on what we do. We may be able to agree that the current situation cannot continue. That shared understanding can become the starting point.
From there, we can resist enemification, let go of the urge to overpower the other person, and engage in conflict differently, not as enemies trying to win, but as people trying to solve a problem neither can solve alone.
